Monday, September 05, 2005
Just let me be myself.
With Bonnie Tyler blasting as I lock myself in my room, my comfort zone.Once upon a time I was falling in love...
I think that when things are of this stage, I've learnt how to step back rather than savour every moment of it. As much as I would like to, I can only cherish, not savour. I cannot enjoy, I can only cherish. Cherish all that's left of us.
I ask myself why I find it so hard to smile and feel genuinely happy with you now, and I think I've found the answer. I knew it all along, but yet I was oblivious to it. Right now, I know. I know because took a step back and saw things in a different perspective. Things have changed, and so must I.
I feel so sad because everytime I embrace you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I touch your hands, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I kiss you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I tease you and argue, and finally find you in my arms, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I come so close to you, you pull me close to you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I'm sad, and I know I am, and I know why. Because the truth is, the last is just pretty much nearing. I know that each and everytime, it is effectively the last. So I cherish, I don't enjoy, I don't savour.
It's awfully painful typing this post, I scorn the feeling. But I cannot help it and I will get to the end of it.
Just when I thought everything was right, everything just came crashing down on me like a giant death ocean wave greeting at my doorstep. My heart just sank, sank so fast, I couldn't breathe.
Turn around bright eyes, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and I see the look in your eyes. Turn around bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart. I fall apart. And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever. And if you'll only hold me tight. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know I'm always in the dark. I really need you tonight. Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark.
I feel so inadequate when you hug me. I don't feel like I'm the one. I only feel reliance, not acceptance. I know it, because I feel it so strong. Today, I know that whether or not I like it, I will have to move on. S2 once said: Fuck it, my life's not a holiday. How true. I just need to find that strength someday, because I don't want to go away at all. But an exit from this entire carousel is inevitable, and if I don't get out naturally, I will have to get out eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday, I will be out of this. I know, because I feel it. And I promise you really, that I'll get out as soon as possible. So you might feel better. But for now, I just want to be me.
It feels so weird now. So many times today I found myself biting my tongue just to stop myself from saying: "Hey Baby". Right at this moment, and all the times ahead, I know that all I want is for you to be genuinely happy. I don't need your smiles, I just want you to be happy. I've never really asked for much, besides some "doses" and hugs. But this time, I ask for your happiness, so you will be happy. With or without me. And right at this moment, and all the times ahead, I know that the end is drawing near. The last is coming. And so has my heart.
The Total Eclipse Of The Heart.
Now I'm only falling apart.
posted@6:40 PM